A TR Tough Guy's Last Meal

Yesterday Bridget and I made the journey down to Vertical Heaven in Ventura to embrace our inner top rope tough guy (credit goes to Andy for this term). I for one shredded high in the tough guy ratings. I mean when you have to dismount crutches to get on the wall thats high on the scale right? In the end we both performed well considering. Even though its been almost a year since she last put on shoes, Bridget climbed in her usual intuitive style cranking out moves far harder than she probably realizes. I managed to flash a few 5.10’s on TR and came one move from sending a 5.11. All in all I’m pretty inspired. As for the rippers at VH - well they just seemed confused as is usually the case. Take for example the pair that spent well over an hour pho multi pitching around the entire gym. It seems that at least one of the two was still learning how it all worked. I say this because I had to remind him that he wasn’t tied into the rope when he set off to follow the first “pitch”. Vertical Heaven never disappoints.

Union Ale, the new pub and restaurant in the old Couche building next to Reds, did however let both of us down. We’d eaten there a few times just after their grand opening. Seems things have slipped a little since then. We ordered a salad and two burgers. I also ordered a side of collard greens for myself (Bridget wasn’t feeling the collards). Seems simple enough right? First the salad comes out. As soon as its set down I noticed more than a few yellow pieces of lettuce - like old lettuce that the cooks didn’t pick through. Thanks bros. So we removed all of the offending pieces and piled them on a separate plate. The burgers arrive about 10 minutes later, brought out by the manager himself. He sets them down and offers his apologies. Seems they decided to put collards on Bridget’s burger (they left mine plain) and melt the cheese into them. “Do you mind? I brought another side of collards on the side. I hope thats ok.” he says. Bridget points out that she didn’t ask for any collards anywhere near her plate so yes she minded and could they remove them, melt some cheese on another bun and bring it out. He says sure, grabs the plate and disappears. Curious about the greens I take a bite. Two complaints. My collard greens were not only cold, but they weren’t collards, they were spinach. Um... interesting. Almost another 10 minutes later the manager arrives with Bridget’s burger. “Sorry. They decided to remake the whole thing.” Not really necessary, but thanks for letting my lady wait while the already cold food gets colder. I thank him for “taking care of us” and hand him the plate with the old lettuce on it. “You might want to show this to the kitchen and make sure they are checking the lettuce.” He thanks me and walks off only to return and inform us that he’s just gone through all the greens in the kitchen and that all the rest were fine. He also explained to me that the yellow greens are supposed to be that color. I just about lost it. “Dude, not to be a total pain in the ass, but I work as a chef, and trust me when I tell you that those yellow greens are yellow because they’re old, not because they’re supposed to be yellow. That’s arugula and that’s red leaf lettuce. Neither of those are yellow. Trust me.” He apologizes for making shit up and walks off. Meanwhile Bridget is halfway through her burger that she’s been waiting for since her climbing shoes came off. I look over and watch as she pulls a whole red chili pepper out of her mouth. Hmmm. That’s not supposed to be there. There ARE marinated onions on Union Ale’s burgers, so I suppose the chili was in their marinade and accidentally ended up on my girlfriends burger and that it was not put there as some sort of “fuck you” from the kitchen staff. Either way, we were both finished with the place. We left immediately.

Union Ale is yet another, now all too common, Santa Barbara establishment which believes that fancy decor, cute waitresses (that aren’t really waitresses because customers have to stand in line to order from the bar), and a downtown location justifies the price paid for a meal. Those that promote this sort of lazy, entitled, and ignorant from of business are helping to create “The Brave New Santa Barbara”, a town where glitz and glamour are valued high above any amount of depth, talent, or creativity. I will not eat or drink a single thing at Union Ale ever again and I suggest you do the same. If all goes well, they’ll crash and burn in a year just like their predecessors.